Editorial: Questions We’d Like Candidates for Governor to Answer, But They Probably Won’t

The two leading candidates for Governor of Virginia, shown here estimating the length of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, among other things.

[Editor’s Note: This story has been updated to reflect new question submissions.]

SOMEWHERE IN THE OLD DOMINION, July 5 — Despite a lack of preparation on the part of everyone except for those with an unhealthy obsession with politics, Virginia is only four months away from determining its next Governor, Lieutenant Governor, and Attorney General. As of press time, the two leading candidates for Governor, Democrat Terry McAuliffe and Republican Glenn Youngkin, have agreed to at least one debate, but the time, date, and battlefield location are yet to be determined.

Scoutlight is proud of our (one-week) long history of translating tough political questions into real-world terms. As such, we’ve collected a number of questions submitted by you, the readers, about the 2021 Virginia General Election and answered those which are purely about the electoral process. Questions directed towards the candidates will be submitted to their campaigns for use in the gubernatorial debates (provided that both candidates eventually agree on terms for those debates).

For ease of reading, we’ve organized these questions into questions for both candidates, questions for each individual candidate, and overall questions about the election.

GENERAL ELECTION QUESTIONS:

1. Already? — Yes.
2. Didn’t we just have an election? — Yep! But that was last November. Virginia and New Jersey suffer from a complex condition known as “look-at-me syndrome”, which compels both states to hold statewide elections in the year immediately following the presidential election.
3. Why? — No one knows.
4. How do I vote? — Excellent question! If you are a citizen of the United States, live in the state of Virginia, have registered to vote in a precinct in the state of Virginia, haven’t been convicted of a felony, bring a form of identification, pray to the right gods, and are able to make it to your assigned polling place on November 2 from 7 AM to 7 PM, you may vote at that polling place. If you cannot make it to that polling place but fulfill all the previous criteria, you may request an absentee ballot from elections.virginia.gov or vote absentee in-person at your local voter registration office from September 17 to October 30.
5. Won’t mail-in voting increase the likelihood of voter fraud? — Do y’all really want to read all 800 papers that disprove that theory? No? Then trust us — it doesn’t.
6. Which old white guy is McAuliffe, and which is Youngkin? — The one on the left is — oh wait, which one is McAuliffe again?
7. Is it okay to be attracted to girls in anime? — No, please go see a therapist.
8. What if I’m dead? — You have bigger problems than voting for Governor.

TERRY MCAULIFFE:

1. Why do you feel the need to run for Governor again?
2. Why does your campaign have major “I’m not racist, I have Black friends” energy when there were already two Black women running for Governor when you entered the race?
3. Will you make a TikTok tutorial of your viral primary-night dance?
4. Who’s your Confirmation Saint?
5. Will you agree that, in the event of a tie, you will not suggest a tie-breaker in the form of counting the number of former Presidents you’re friends with?

GLENN YOUNGKIN:

1. Who are you, again?
2. When are you going to make a statement on the issues (or at least write something on your website’s Issues page)?
3. Why did you feel the need to sell Taylor Swift’s music to Scooter Braun? [Editor’s Note: This is not satire, we genuinely want Youngkin to answer this question.]
4. Can you confirm that you are not three kids stacked on top of one another in a trench coat?
5. Will you agree that, in the event of a tie, you will not suggest a tiebreaker in the form of a free-throw competition?

BOTH CANDIDATES:

1. What is your plan to define the boundaries of “Northern Virginia” once and for all?
2. What is your plan to prevent the Eastern Peninsula from being left off of maps of Virginia?
3. What is your plan to annex Maryland?
4. If you could redraw Virginia’s electoral districts, what animals would you pattern your district boundaries off of?
5. What is your plan to ensure that lower-to-middle-class Virginians have access to affordable healthcare? (Those making under $90K a year, not $300K.)
6. How much money did you take from Dominion Energy? [Editor’s Note: This question is not to be confused with “Did you take money from Dominion Energy?”, a question we’d like to pose to the candidates for Lieutenant Governor.]
7. Who’s the better-looking candidate?
8. Virginia Tech or UVA? Wrong answers only.

We want to hear from you! If you have more questions that you’d like the gubernatorial candidates to answer (or questions for those running for the irrelevant statewide positions), submit them to Scoutlight Editor-in-Chief @briecsontos on Instagram by sliding into her DMs.