“Absolutely devastating”: US Job Market Appears Poised to Crash, Based on Joblessness Among Entry-Level Satirical Writers

WASHINGTON, June 28 (Medium) — US employers are projected to slash 666,000 jobs within the next six months, shocking a nation that, until recently, was understood to be on the path to recovery from pandemic-era losses.

While certain sectors are still experiencing minor growth, a joint report by Columbia University and the Writers Guild of America details how a drastic fall in employment among entry-level satirical reporters foreshadows a dark future for the overall job market.

“It’s pretty simple, actually,” Columbia Professor Jon Q. Olivier explained. “While many industries suffered in the midst of the pandemic, satirical news remained steady. The masses needed a way to receive their news without crying, and they got it from SNL, Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj, and even that handsome John Oliver fellow. So if we see a drop in entry-level jobs in this industry, that can only indicate one of two things: one, that satirical news hosts are actually writing their own jokes, or two, that even fields as steady as satire are sagging in the post-pandemic recovery period.”

Economists polled by Medium agreed with Olivier, expressing fear that as satirical news struggles, sales of to-go cocktails, TV dinners, and copies of comedians’ autobiographies may also plummet. Numerous prominent political scientists also chimed in (despite not having been asked for comment), questioning whether a lack of a humorous arena for political debate would lead to increased polarization, an increase in activity among conspiracy theorists, or a decrease in political engagement among people aged 18–25.

“I mean, this is, like, absolutely devastating,” a prospective satire writer told us. (She requested that her name be withheld, in fear of retribution if she were to land a job at an actual, respectable news agency.) “I’ve bottled up all this trauma over the course of the pandemic, hoping it would result in some good content, and this is the thanks I get! I could’ve spent all of that wasted time in therapy, or at least searching for a dog.”

Despite this gloomy forecast, experts say there is some cause for relief. Previous reports projecting a poor future for fast food and retail workers can now safely be disregarded, said economics professor and former Congressman Brian Brat.

“Those kids went to college and got useless degrees in political science or philosophy, thinking they’d be able to skate by, making jokes about hard-working fields like Economics. Well, now they’ll be sure to learn what hard work looks like: bringing the groceries to my car at Wal-Mart. And I’ll laugh my way to the bank, collecting what’s left of my campaign donations. Oh wait — don’t print that.”




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Noh-nonsense, locally-sourced, all-natural, and/or gluten-free reporting.

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